Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Wednesday.01.20.10

Ugh, the body. Reading this month's topic for Creative Everyday is one that inspires a kind of dread in me. I have written a bit about my body on my blog, but I haven't much explored it creatively in art. Taking a picture of my pregnant belly this weekend was a huge step. I can only say I used to believe in the human body, in its ability to birth children naturally, to self-regulate, that is until my daughter died in me at 38 weeks for no medical reason. Oh, I still believe in those ideals for other people, just not for me. Then I starved my body after Lucy died in an attempt to get to my pre-baby weight, and gained weight. I ran and got larger and larger. It seemed every time I tried to make a step towards healing with my body, I was pushed back into hatred. I was finally diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease. Then I was pregnant again, and my body changed again. I feel the toll of three babies in three years on my bones, in my joints, in my rolls of fat...I can only say, when my body failed me on such a profound level, I began to see it disconnected from my soul. It was an enemy. Even when my husband touched me, I recoiled. I cried. I flew into a rage. This body doesn't belong to me. It belongs to a traitor.

I am 27 weeks pregnant with a little boy. I have tried to connect with this baby and this pregnancy, but I have confronted physical limitation after physical limitation. Last night, my midwife called to tell me that I have had a higher than normal protein reading, which means that I could be verging on a condition that could affect the baby. I just wanted to regale my body with the angriest lecture I have ever given. And now, here I am in my new studio, the January sun shining in through the window, and I decided to make some peace with my body. I did that by making a new meditating mama. Carving my body into a sculpture, molding it into calm and peace. I feel good, emotionally, physically...taking this process one step at a time.




























Meditating Mama, Red Clay. 01.20.10

9 comments:

angie said...

Clearly, I need to work on the head and face issues, but I dig the body, the bum especially. Don't ask me why.

Leah said...

Oh, she's gorgeous!! Absolutely love it! What a lovely way to work towards making peace with your body. I know its a journey for many of us and not a destination, but I love the way you've expressed it here in words and clay.

forwardtumble said...

absolutely stunning, digg the bum!! LOL It's just wonderful, Angie.

And a beautiful body.

I'm trying to make peace with my body, too. Not an easy thing to do, but art is helping me a lot, too. Must try sculpture. Looks wet and tactile.

xox

Angie & KellyAnn said...

I love it...the bum rocks, but i am truly responding to the shoulders. I have those shoulders too. This is awesomeness.
Kelly

Hope's Mama said...

You are beautiful, Angie. So is this piece.

Jenni said...

she's lovely. sooooo grounded! xo

myskytimes said...

Wow... love the mama... truly beautiful. And I just realized I have a piece of clay at home. Never tried it before... maybe now?

Keep up the art... it's awesome! xo

sara lee said...

AWESOME Angie!!! I love it! I love that you are working with so many different mediums- I LOVE IT!!!!!

Erika P said...

I'm late commenting but she is gorgeous, Angie. I love her bum, too, and also her breasts. This is the first January in 4 years that I am not either pregnant or nursing and my breasts look so small and pathetic to me. Pregnant bodies are so beautiful in their curvy fullness. And I'm remembering your "boob years" post as I'm admiring this mama's breasts. I'm glad you've found a way to work toward peace with your body.
xo