09.28.10

I've been working on the sketchbook project this weekend/week. I actually made a little thumbnail of the sketchbook s month or so ago, and thumbnailed the whole dang thing, so I am starting to sketch it in the real, rebound book. The first spread is pretty bland. It simply says, "I made your death about me."
The second page is a fake little mini notebook page, finishing the sentiment, "my mistakes, my karma, my deflated belly, my misplaced anger, my daughter who died, my goddamned grief." The last page contains the theme I chose which is, "I'm sorry I forgot you." I really had two ideas here, and am kind of wondering now that everything is sketched out if the first one isn't the better plan. Here is the one I didn't go with:

"When she told me she was sorry I lost my baby, I was confused, because you died, and I knew exactly where you were. Then I thought, perhaps I did lose you, and you were simply in the cushions of my couch.  I turned everything over expecting to see you kicking and smiling, but there were just some cheerios, fifteen cents and a button. Then I thought perhaps on the bus, when I went to that far away market that sells the really good soap I love to use. The soap that smells like rosemary and lemon verbena. Perhaps I would find you in the public transportation lost and found and I could tickle your belly and say, 'I'm sorry I forgot you, Love.' But then I remembered that you were still dead, and she didn't really want to acknowledge how terribly sad that is. Death is so final, but lost things get found."

The one I went with is kind of scattered. I wrote the poem a while ago, when I thought about the theme, then began thumbnailing it, and now, I am sketching it. Next step, paint. One spread, though, contains guerrilla art. A fake periodic table of elements with Lucy as the first element. Weight: six lbs. Thought I would share. "You are the first element in my life."

I am going to be alone all week. My husband is seeing Rush in the Atlanta with his brother while I tend to things around here. It is okay, but I am having a bourbon as I type, and the kids are both sleeping in the same room, and I somehow managed to do that. WTF? This is literally the first time in three years I have slept in my bed alone. I didn't mean to sleep train Thor, but to be frank, I was worried he would roll off the bed because suddenly, he is so friggin' mobile. And he seems to figure out a way to get where he is going, which is off the bed. Anyway, sleeping alone is a bit intimidating. And to be frank, I am a little scared. Wish me luck.