teaching meditation to children.

My friend Miri asked me to write a little more about meditating with the children and how I go about that, how I get them to sit still, what I think about meditation, wisdom I can share, how Thor does in meditation, and other ideas for meditation. Beezus is two weeks away from five and Thor is two weeks away from two, so meditating with him seems a little um, ambitious. And it is.

I have written about meditating with the kids a few times.

mindjar.
talking stick.
enso meditation with children.

I am certainly not an expert at meditating with children. I just happen to do it most days. I meditate alone and I meditate with the children. So, I am just a mama. Know that before I start this conversation. I wanted to give a few pointers for parents who think meditation is some far-out amazing thing I have accomplished with my children. It isn't and I haven't. The book Baby Buddhas has ten meditations to do with children and a few for parents learning meditation. And all of them are described in a simple, clear manner, and really work amazingly well for children. I have adapted some, while using others straight from the book.

*Not a real meditation.
I asked her to show me how she meditates, then snapped a pic.

I would suggest as a journal exercise (parents need homework too!) to write about what you want your children to learn and gain from meditation. It will help you clarify your intention in meditation with your children and your intention as a parent. And it helps you see how you are meeting that goal, even when everyone is crawling on you like you are a meditating jungle gym. The goal is long term. You are trying to give your child a sense of themselves and a sense of peace and compassion, joy and love.

You are also teaching your children that perfection is not the goal. There is no perfect meditation and yet, in that way, every meditation is perfect. Meditation is not measured in those terms, even though so many of us want to take a yardstick to our practice. Did I sit long enough? Did I think too much? Do I feel calmer? So, when you give your children the gift of meditation, you give them the gift of acceptance too. You give them the gift of space in their mind. Give them the gift of being right just as they are. And maybe that is a gift for yourself too.

The single best piece of advice I can give parents for meditating with children is lower your expectations.

Know that your children are going to stand up from meditation from time to time (my daughter never stands, my 23 month old stands after a minute.) Your two year old may even bonk his older sister on the head despite the serenity you are trying to cultivate. Or he may repeatedly drive a Hot Wheels car up your leg while you are chanting Oooommmmm. Know that some days your baby will sit for thirty seconds. Know that other days she may ask you ten thousand questions while you are guiding her through a meditation story. Know that a meditation technique you use one day will be ineffective the next day.

BUT that will not be the experience every minute of your meditation. And in the moments between, you are teaching your child something incredibly valuable. All I can say is allow your children to be children during meditation. Yes, you will try to refocus their attention on meditation. Yes, you should take the meditation seriously. Think joy and seriousness together. Strong but loving. But sometimes that won't work. Meditation is not the time or place where anyone should get punished, or reprimanded, or voices should be raised in any way, because the meditation isn't done "correctly". The last thing I want to create is an obligation, or sense of torture about meditation. Sitting is supposed to be a safe haven, a welcome ritual of our day, not that thing they have to do that they dread.I often say things like, "It looks like you are done with meditation, so why don't you sit back down and we will stop together by ringing the gong."

Asking little ones to ring the gong is a good way
to get them to associate meditation with fun.

Pema Chodron says, "Meditation isn't really about getting rid of thoughts, it's about changing the pattern of grasping on to things, which in our everyday experience is our thoughts." When you are teaching mindfulness, you are just readjusting your mind to be aware of your thoughts and attention when they drift from being open and empty. You are teaching your child to be present, or right in the moment. That is mindfulness. To have your mind exactly where your body is. Recently, I heard someone say when you are dwelling in the past, you are living in regret and guilt and when you are dwelling in the future, you are living in anxiety. Our goal then is to live in the present, and teach our children to do that too.

When you teach your children meditation, you are giving them a coping mechanism that isn't overeating, yelling, hitting, zoning out in front of the television, drinking, suppressing their feelings or running their head into a wall.  You are teaching them to sit in silence, to find a calm moment when their head is noisy. With meditation, you are teaching your children how YOU deal with stress and how to live life on life's terms. My daughter sometimes asks to meditate when she is hurt or upset, because she sees me meditate when I am hurt or upset.

So here is the second best piece of advice I can give parents for meditating with children--start meditating by yourself for yourself.

Cultivating a meditation practice will help you deal with your kids when they are crazy. Meditation will help you deal with yourself when you are feeling crazy. I would start simply by sitting every morning and every evening for ten minutes. I find I sit more easily before coffee in the morning, when my monkey mind hasn't quite kicked in yet. And you sit, trying not to make grocery lists in your head. Try to label that, "THINKING" and refocus your mind on your breath. One minute of true clear minded meditation will help, I promise you, in feeling serenity. And then after the kids have done to sleep in the evening, because there is obviously a lack of interest in what I am doing and I can meditate without interruption.  I precede meditation in the morning with a prayer, and follow it in the evening with a prayer. It is my time to sit alone and quiet my mind. Develop a conscious contact with God, or nature, or whatever it is that helps me feel protected.

If children see you meditate, they will want to meditate. If you tell them you deal with anger by meditating, that is what they learn. When you are meditating with your children, they may not breathe the way you breathe. They may not sit with their back straight. They may not close their eyes, or open them. But if they are watching you meditate, they will try to sit like you, breathe like you, be like you. Of course, this applies to every part of your life.

Here is the third piece of advice (I stopped ranking them) about meditating with children--don't treat meditation as a time-out.

Meditation is not a punishment. And it should not be treated that way.

Mind jar works for settling upset minds.

When you use meditation as a punishment, sitting still, quietly, becomes equated with something unpleasant, even though I think children need quiet when they are freaking out. So, this is not to say that if you child is acting out, and hitting other kids, you don't sit him somewhere away from others to calm down. Just treat it differently. Don't use the same space as meditation. Don't use the same words. Make meditation a choice for your child, so they can learn to gain control of their own mind and recognize their own need for quiet.

When one of my children is out of control, I separate them from the situation, talk to her/him, hold and kiss the baby(when little ones are most unlovable, mama's job is to love them the most), then brainstorm ideas on how to remedy the wrongs that may have occurred. Before we can find effective solutions, we need to quiet the mind and the anger. I ask my child if they want to use the mindjar before going on, rather than force them to meditate. It sounds like a subtle difference, perhaps meaningless to some people, but it is huge for children in my experience. If the child says no to meditation, respect their decision. To be honest, most of the time they choose to use the mindjar. They shake it up, and it represents the chaos in their mind, then they sit and watch the glitter settle as their thoughts settle. We sometimes have to shake more than once, and that is okay. They are calming down.

My fourth piece of advice about meditating with children is to create a sacred space for meditation.

My children love doing this. We try to change our altar based on the season. We have a Buddha, a Virgin of Guadalupe, symbols of each element (a bowl of water for, uh, Water, a feather and incense for Air, stones for Earth, and candles for Fire), flowers/symbols of the season, and anything else that catches our fancy. We have a gong for starting and ending meditation. Children love using bells, and it helps get them actively involved in meditation. I have recently downloaded a free app for my phone that rings a gong  to start meditation and end meditation. You simply program the length of time you want to sit for. It is awesome.

The altar/meditation space we have created is in their playroom. For Christmas, I gave each member of my family their own meditation cushion, since I was the only person with one. Everyone was using a pillow. They love their own cushion with their own color. When we decide to meditate, everyone scrambles to grab their cushion and sit in a circle. We put the gong in the center of us, or if we are doing a mindfulness meditation, whatever we are focusing on.

When we used to have the altar in the front room on a table the children could reach, people often asked me how we kept that safe from little hands. And I didn't really know how to answer that. We taught them it was sacred and not to be touched. And they didn't play with the things on the altar. We now have the altar higher than reach for the children, which is nice for lighting candles and incense.

My fifth piece of advice about meditating with children is teach them that anything can be a meditation if you are practicing mindfulness.

This seems contrary to what I am saying earlier. You create a sacred space. You ask them if they want to meditate. But practicing mindfulness means to be paying attention to the present moment without judgement. It doesn't mean that you do dishes then say, "I was meditating back then." You make it a conscious choice about the activity and mindfulness. That is the point of mindfulness. It is about being conscious about where you are, how your breath moves your body, what is going on right now, right where you are.

We sometimes do mindfulness meditations about an object. We try to shed all our judgement about what it is, and just look at it. For example, we might put a picture frame in the center of our circle. We don't talk about whether it is holding a pretty picture, or what it used to hold, or what it will hold, or if it itself is pretty, but rather that it is rectangular, black, white, scratched, heavy. We talk about it objectively.

When we take mindfulness meditation walks, we stop and smell the air. We listen to the birds. We take the time to just be present right where we are. We sometimes do these as kinds of gratitude walks. We thank the trees for giving us shade. Or whatever we notice right then right where we are. We also do meditation painting sessions and paint ensos. Not worrying about whether they are perfect, for it is in their imperfection that we find some kind of sacred truth.

I hope this helped a little. I am open to taking questions. Again, I am not an expert, but I have thought about this a lot, written about it and use meditation in my daily life as a mama and a lady. I am happy to answer whatever you would like to know about meditating with children. Thank you.

playroom

The reason I haven't been posting on this blog is because I have been crafting, redecorating, and creating around the ranch. I don't really have a ranch. I live in a small town in New Jersey, but you know...

Last weekend, my husband and I decided to break our guest room down and turn it into a playroom for the kids. They share a room, and all their toys, clothes and crap was shoved into the smallest room in the house. We have guests maybe once every two months, so we just pulled the trigger. We also decided to break down part of the studio and create a sewing space for me, since I just bought a sewing machine. (And am learning little projects here and there.) My baker's racks in the studio then went on the front porch, as well as a useless shelving unit from the bathroom, and that is being turned into an indoor garden area. All in all, it had meant our house is in flux.

I stupidly did not take pictures of the guest room filled, but I did after we emptied the room. So, this is before from the door (left) and the after (right)

We moved a ReStore (ReStore is the Habitat for Humanity thrift shop.) We had too much furniture in the living room. We moved in a bookshelf from the kids room. Hung some maps and hung the letters Beezus is making in pre-K with items that start with that letter (B is made of Beans, for example.)

Before diagonally  across from the door:

After:

Play kitchen, music basket, baby bed, meditation cushions, and Sam built custom shelving across the entire wall with window and we filled it with games, puzzles, toys and books. On top of the shelves is the new nature table/altar. We took that down around Christmas, because everything was so cluttered and couldn't find a new space for it, so I am most excited about that.

Before:

This is the right corner. We added a table, the day of the week/weather board. They have a little table and chairs, our button heart, and a gnome growth chart. The closet is filled with costumes and adult games.

All in all, I cannot believe we lived without a playroom for so long. It feels absolutely natural to have this space here. A whole room is valuable real estate, and we need it for the kids. It also means their room is so much less cluttered and less chaotic.

So grateful for this project. We also have a dedicated area for meditation now. And we have been group meditating every day since we rearranged the space. I have quite a few projects in the pipeline to share this week, so you might be hearing from me a lot.

ensō meditations with children.

My approach to meditation both in my own individual life and the lives of my kids has been to think of many things as an opportunity to meditate. I know meditation has a specific meaning in Buddhist context, or new age context, in a recovery context and still in a psychotherapy context. For me, I think of meditation as an intentional practice, to clear of the mind, remain present, train the brain to sit in quiet. Many times that involves me pulling out my meditation cushion, lighting candles, incense and sitting still. I focus on my breath, or an object, or a mantra. I don't always just sit to meditate, though. I practice meditation when I do the dishes, walk, paint.

Teaching my children meditation, I hope, will be a gift for them later in life. A way of coping that I just simply never learned. I teach my children that meditation can take place in all kinds of ways. We do sit and chant together. I do many guided meditations. We do spirit animal meditations, which I know sounds hokey and new age-y, but is a really wonderful way to connect children to nature and other sentient beings. We often go on walking meditation where we try not to speak for a few minutes and just take in the present moment. We focus on our breath and steps. The other way I have done this is to teach them about painting meditations. Since Beezus was two and since Thor's birth, I have done painting meditation, so they are very aware of the interconnectedness of painting and spirituality for me. They also respect the serenity and austerity of the moments I paint for grieving women and men. It is pretty cool.

One meditation practice I have cultivated in the past few years is doing ensō meditations and paintings. I actually do ensō painting meditation a few times a week these days. It is one of my main practices. I paint them onto watercolor cards and use them for all kinds of things--anniversaries, birthdays, sympathy cards. I first painted an ensō because a client requested it on her mizuko jizo painting. I did a lot of research after that, looked at and meditated on many pictures of ensō painted by monks and enlightened beings. But that simple request started a journey in this ancient zen artist meditation. I first wrote about that practice here.

This is an ensō I painted in acrylic on canvas paper. It hangs in my studio.

Ensō represent both everything and nothing. The beginning and the ending. It is a symbol of enlightenment, and imperfection. Actually, the open ensō and the closed ensō mean different things. The closed one means the "totality of experience and life" while the open one represents the imperfection in all things. I think it embodies the Zen concept of wabi sabi, or the feeling that everything is exactly as it is supposed to be--imperfect. I use it as a mediation on imperfection, even though I generally close my ensō. Basically, it is an expression of the moment. One brush stroke. One circle. And though we strive for its perfection, its expression at its core, is always imperfect. And so the wisdom is simply that the ensō is a denial of perfection and in that way is exactly as it should be.

And making circles is a wonderful way to teach children about imperfection, your own, theirs, without challenging them to be perfect. I think a good tie-in to an ensō meditation with children would be to read the book Dot. Dot is a beautiful book about art and self-doubt. Ish, also by Peter Reynolds, is a lovely book about, essentially, accepting the imperfection of your art as the beauty.

At any rate, a few weeks ago, Beezus asked me if she could join me for my ensō meditation, and it occurred to me how absolutely perfect ensō painting is to teach children about working meditation and incorporating mindfulness into every activity. And so, we did a meditation session, lit a candle, incense, sat still, imagined the circle. We talked about its meaning and how we will spend our lives making absolutely beautiful imperfect circles. And we painted ensō after ensō after ensō.

She got pretty good.

the talking stick

As we approach Mabon, or autumn equinox, we always consult our favorite book for earth-centered celebrations called Celebrating the Great Mother. It is just a lovely book with guided meditations for children and crafts around the seasonal changes and pagan holidays. It has recipes for your feasts, and ideas for decorating your altar.

Mabon is next week, and we have begun preparing by creating our autumn table, which will be added to on the equinox. But for now, we have the staples.

We have recently moved our altar to an old Shaker table next to our fireplace. I'm not sure how long it will be there, but at least until we light our first fire on Mabon. We always have Lucy's candle, local wildflowers in a ceramic vase, salt, sage, a bowl of water, a meditation gong, the Buddha, a mizko jizo, a crystal and a piece of amethyst, incense and for autumn, we like to cut apples width-wise which creates a beautiful star right in the center of the apple. If anyone is interested, I can share the meaning of these items, but otherwise, I will assume you know what each piece is on there for. The other rather large thing in the middle is not a wand, but a talking stick.

 The talking stick is something we started last Mabon. It is an activity in the Celebrating the Great Mother book, and we loved it. We were using this beautiful carved driftwood that Ines sent us (see left) as our talking stick, but we kept an eye open for a new talking stick that we could create together as a family for our family. The idea of the talking stick is that it is a piece for the entire family to create. The talking stick is a way to hold a meeting, I believe, in some native cultures, but in a family, we use it as a way to introduce the idea of patience, good people skills, sharing and listening. We found our talking stick this summer. We think it was part of an old chair we were throwing out, but it ended up being perfectly cut in our walkway, and it looked like a talking stick. We wrapped the stick in leather strap. Beatrice sanded it and waxed it with beeswax. We are keeping our eyes open for a feather for the talking stick and maybe something with which to decorate it. In general, though, the talking stick can change, morph and grow according to your family. I know ours will be more decorated when Beezus gets more interested in it, as has happened with everything in our family.

As a family, we sit in circle most evenings after dinner. We light the candle and talk about our day, or read stories, or just wrestle. We drink tea. Thor bounces up and down demanding tea after dinner. (peppermint or chamomile tea harvested from our tea garden with a little sugar and lots of milk.) So does Beatrice for that matter. The talking stick is introduced on certain days, like Mabon, or a birthday. But some nights, like tonight, just when we are feeling gratitude. I thought I should write about it, because it has become a wonderful part of our family time.

Usually we smudge our space with some sage, and bless each person with the smoke. To bless each person, a parent takes the lit and blown our sage stick with a bowl under it to each person. Each person, big or little, takes the smoke from the sage and washes it over themselves. Sometimes I say to each person as they bring the smoke over themselves, "Sacred smoke, cleanse my spirit and make me ready to accept love." We say a prayer of love and gratitude that we are together, and then each person takes a turn holding the stick. When it is your turn holding the talking stick, you get to speak. Only you. No one is allowed to interrupt you, or comment. We all must listen and sit in circle. Thor usually sits on my lap. Because Beezus is so young, she usually talks about what she is thankful for, or what she is upset about (her brother stealing her polar bear Umi). Thomas kisses the talking stick, usually. But it is a great way to start the tradition of talking as a family and having time where everyone is listened to and heard.

If there is a problem, we use the ceremony to hear the issues, then afterward, we sit and talk about solutions. Hope this gave someone an idea for an evening ritual and way of connecting. This evening, I felt so much peace and love after our circle that I realized I had never really wrote about the talking stick and the way it has become part of our daily lives.

mindjar

This post originally appeared on my blog still life with circles on april 25, 2011 called meditating with the childrens. 

I don't usually do posts like this, but I write fairly often on here about meditation and Buddhism, and meditating with my children, and so, today, I was thinking that maybe I should do a post about my experience with teaching Beezus to meditate and what that has been like. Teaching meditation to my children has taught me more about meditation. I like what Albert Einstein said, "If you can't explain it to a six year old, you don't understand it." So, if you struggle with finding a moment of calm, maybe this can help you too. I frequently use the same techniques when I meditate that I teach my children.

When Beezus was a year, I bought a book called Baby Buddhas, which is meditation techniques for children. And it has been an amazing resource. I just didn't even know why anyone would teach children meditation. Or really how they could do that. Meditation is difficult for most adults. But now I actually think it is much easier for children. If we can set them up for finding ways to deal with their stress later in life, awesome. Basically, know this starting out, you are not meditating, the children are meditating. So, you will guide them. It is relaxing, but not your meditation. You are helping them stay in the moment. So, think of this as learning how to guide meditation for your children. If I begin meditating with Beezus, and she is unfocused, I just stop and ask if she'd like to try again later, or what we can do to focus.

I had an adult colleague, who used to use similar techniques on herself. Guided meditations, that is. She read them out of a book. She recorded them on her computer with her webcam, then made mp3s out of them, then put them on her Ipod and listened to them at lunch. I think she did the same thing with yoga workouts for the gym, since in the moment, she felt silly and forgot which move was next. I always thought that was an awesome technique.

Oh, right, the childrens. We sit cross-legged on the floor in a circle, or Beezus sits on my lap. She most frequently sits on my lap when we do guided meditations when she is upset, or exhausted and having a hard time. Sometimes I guide her on walks through the woods, to meet a spirit animal. I know it sounds hokey, but kids love that they can be a player in a story we create, and she turns the corner and tells me the animal she is feeling most like. That meditation is incredibly insightful into the place my daughter is at mentally and emotionally. When she is feeling like a giraffe, or a panda bear, or a tiger, I understand what she feels like a little better. Alright, totally hokey, but it works.

So, here is a basic meditation. We often start with a meditation gong, or bell. The meditation gong we picked up at the new age bookshop in Philly, and it was less than ten bucks, and well well worth the money spent. I try to make meditation fun, interesting, a time of finding strength and renewal, not a burden. So, I have the meditation gong, which both Thor and Beezus ring. I often catch Thor at the altar, ringing the gong on his free time. Children are attracted to music and beautiful sounds, so that helps to get them interested in this time. I change who rings it, and sometimes they both ring the start of meditation. One right after the other. Who cares? There are no rules, so make it fun as you go through it. What works for your family is most important.

Thor is a little young, but he likes to climb on us when we meditate and it is fun to try not to move or giggle when he is exploring us. That is a form of meditation and focus that is good and fun for kids to learn too.

The guided meditation I use most frequently is just guiding her breath and learning gratitude. So, first, we sit in a circle with the gong. And I say something like this, "Let's cross our legs, sit up straight, smile, wiggle our toes. We are having a fun meditation for compassion and to give thanks. First, let's imagine ourselves like trees, our back extend down down down into the earth, the spine, which is the hard bone in your back, goes into the ground, and sprouts roots, and soaks up all the goodness and strength from the earth, and then your head will move upwards towards to clouds, to capture the rain. We are a big tree. sturdy and strong, and ready to watch the world around us. Now, we start to mind our breath and slow down. We will breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in love. Breathe out madness. GONG. Breathe in love. Breathe out sadness. GONG. Breathe in love. Breathe out badness. GONG. I am so grateful we are here together in this circle, listening to this bell. Let's breathe quietly for a few moments, then when you hear the gong, you can open your eyes." And in about a minute, I ring the bell. That is it. You can go as long as your child can handle it, but I try not to overextend my daughter's patience. Short and sweet, and sometimes she asks to do it again, so we do.

Today, we created mind jars, from the book Moody Cow Meditates. It is about a cow who has a bad day and his grandfather comes to help him deal with his anger and mixed up feelings. So, they create a mind jar, and use it to focus on meditation. It is really easy to make. Basically, you get a jar--spice jar, baby food size, or even a mason jar. First, put some glitter in the jar. Little glitter is better than like star glitter (which is heavier), but either works. Fill the jar 3/4ths full with warm water, then the rest of the way up (with some room for shaking) with glycerin. You can get glycerin for really cheap at the craft store, or grocer. It is used in baking to brighten up icing color, so they sell wee little jars of it, which is perfect for this craft. After the glycerin, add four drops of liquid soap. Put the lid, tightly on the jar, then shake it. It is essentially like creating a snow globe, but you can help you little one pick colors, make it their own. The goal is that when they are feeling out of control, they shake the jar, then sit and watch the glitter settle in the water. It is like our minds when we are angry, frustrated, things feel impossible--our minds and emotions are all shook up. I help Bea stare and not stare at the jar, that middle gaze. When the glitter settles, we finish our meditation. This one is a really great technique to use in lieu of timeout. When our minds are shook up, we can easily get shaken up again, and that is what the jar is useful to show, how our emotions can be shook up and crazy, but we don't have to shake the jar. Beatrice loves her mindjar, and it works great to help calm a crazed kid.

Hope that was useful for someone out there. If anyone has any questions for me about meditation, or anything else really, just put it in the comment section here. I am trying to write more and could use inspiration.

*This post was edited to add to add some pictures. After I wrote this, I thought maybe you'd like to see what a mind jar looks like and the meditation gong. We made two yesterday. One for upstairs and one for down. The shorter one was shook up right before I snapped this picture. You begin meditation with the gong, but gently hitting the side of the bowl, the bigger the bowl, the longer the ring. And you stay quiet until the end of the bowl's sound.