09.28.10

I've been working on the sketchbook project this weekend/week. I actually made a little thumbnail of the sketchbook s month or so ago, and thumbnailed the whole dang thing, so I am starting to sketch it in the real, rebound book. The first spread is pretty bland. It simply says, "I made your death about me."
The second page is a fake little mini notebook page, finishing the sentiment, "my mistakes, my karma, my deflated belly, my misplaced anger, my daughter who died, my goddamned grief." The last page contains the theme I chose which is, "I'm sorry I forgot you." I really had two ideas here, and am kind of wondering now that everything is sketched out if the first one isn't the better plan. Here is the one I didn't go with:

"When she told me she was sorry I lost my baby, I was confused, because you died, and I knew exactly where you were. Then I thought, perhaps I did lose you, and you were simply in the cushions of my couch.  I turned everything over expecting to see you kicking and smiling, but there were just some cheerios, fifteen cents and a button. Then I thought perhaps on the bus, when I went to that far away market that sells the really good soap I love to use. The soap that smells like rosemary and lemon verbena. Perhaps I would find you in the public transportation lost and found and I could tickle your belly and say, 'I'm sorry I forgot you, Love.' But then I remembered that you were still dead, and she didn't really want to acknowledge how terribly sad that is. Death is so final, but lost things get found."

The one I went with is kind of scattered. I wrote the poem a while ago, when I thought about the theme, then began thumbnailing it, and now, I am sketching it. Next step, paint. One spread, though, contains guerrilla art. A fake periodic table of elements with Lucy as the first element. Weight: six lbs. Thought I would share. "You are the first element in my life."

I am going to be alone all week. My husband is seeing Rush in the Atlanta with his brother while I tend to things around here. It is okay, but I am having a bourbon as I type, and the kids are both sleeping in the same room, and I somehow managed to do that. WTF? This is literally the first time in three years I have slept in my bed alone. I didn't mean to sleep train Thor, but to be frank, I was worried he would roll off the bed because suddenly, he is so friggin' mobile. And he seems to figure out a way to get where he is going, which is off the bed. Anyway, sleeping alone is a bit intimidating. And to be frank, I am a little scared. Wish me luck.

09.26.10

Spidola.
Photograph.














It took me a while to get this picture correct with my stupid autofocus camera, and even so, I can't quite identify it. I am only using the Portuguese here for a title, because when I was in a backpacker's hostel in Italy once, in a bunked room with eight bunks, I was once awoken to a horrible screaming of, "SPIDOLA! SPIDOLA!!" and a woman flailing in the bunk next to mine. I sat with her, calmed her. She woke us all up at 3am because she had a nightmare and/or there was a spider in her bed, and since I was the only one who spoke Spanish or Italian, I was the only one who could manage to work out that much of what she said. I weaved that together for all the Australians and British girls in the room, rolling my eyes and in general, being very put out. I couldn't fall back asleep and neither could the other girls. I grumbled and bitched about the fucking spider the entirety of the next day. How dare someone scream in a hostel. About two weeks later, I stayed in a old insane hostel in Naples. Everything was heavy dark wood and creepy as all hell. I was hanging out in the common room, which also doubled as the check-in, with some wine and a few other travelers. A very pissed off Irish girl came down holding all her sheets. She cussed and screamed at the dudes running the hostel, flinging her sheets about, showing them the crabs in her sheets.

Cripes, all night, I had this creepy crawly feeling in me, and when I finally managed to fall asleep, I woke up screaming, "Get off me! Get off me!" And I woke the entire room of Romanian graduate students in Naples for a presentation on engineering. They all gave me the stink eye in the morning. And thus, I explain the complex notion of instant karma with one easy story.

And I needlefelted some pumpkins!

09.24.10

Mabon Altar.












Mabon centerpiece and Autumn Equinox dinner.

Candle's out.

Custom Jizo bookmark.
making this moved me a great deal and I wanted to share it.

The backside.

Another joyful jizo bookmark.

09.20.10

All is Full of Love ATC Series.
"Heart trade"
2.5" x 3"
Watercolor and India Ink.

Close-up on the second one.

All is Full of Love.
ATC.
Watercolor and India Ink.


This one is actually for me. It didn't turn out wonderfully in person. I chose a yellow wash, and it detracts from the power of the painting, I think. This is actually a meditation painting I do when I know one of my babylost mama friends is coming up on the hard anniversary of one year, or when I need to remember that the root of grief is love. Usually I make my own painted cards and they are always a kind of meditation on the person and their loss. It is part of a tonglen painting meditation practice I have been trying to cultivate since my daughter's death. This painting literally is 365 Xs that make up the heart and 365 Ox that make up the background. A year of remembering your child is like 365 days of hugs and kisses.

I also redesigned by main website. Still not sure how it fits me. I love the series the photographs come from, which is called Squared Circles, and it is part of a type of enso search through a photographers lens.


I am also working on two short stories and three essays. EEP. And they are for contest deadlines in the next week, so I might have to filter that down a bit, but for now, it is okay.

9.14.10

As I have grown in confidence with my illustrating and painting, I have grown in my confidence to share them. So, this year, I started painting my nieces and nephews (I have nine of them!) cards for their birthday. I always send them the cash of their age, which is all my husband will allow in terms of gifts. I have no idea why he is like that, just a bit, uh, tight with that. So, I had some fun with my niece A.'s card, and my nephew W.'s card. W's birthday was the day after Thor was born, so I missed it this year, and kept meaning to catch up and now it is six month later, so originally I thought of sending him a half-birthday card, but in the end, I decided on my old ninja fall  back.

09.11.10

It's been a while, and actually, I'd like to say that I have been ubercreative and productive, but actually, I have felt a bit disconnected from art and writing lately. I think the tempo of my life has picked up a bit with the month of September rolling in, and me taking a hand at homeschooling my daughter for this year. I feel a bit disconnected, like I come into my studio and write or paint, then immediately leave it again and back to mothering. I don't know how to describe it really. I have a lot of heavy stuff on the brain about my own limitations and ego-constraints, and how many steps I have taken backwards and away from meditation and Buddhism and all that. Not that this is what this blog is about, nor are any of these things excuses, but I have felt slightly, I don't know, weird and in a funk.

Still, I do have stuff to share with you. I made a little mock up Sketchbook for the sketchbook project to test my ideas for painting spreads, before I actually sketch and paint them in the official rebound Sketchbook. Here is the first spread I worked on, which is actually not the first spread in the book.

I also began experimenting a bit more with that weird watercolor paper and utilizing the characteristic of the watercolor sitting on top of the paper, so I really made wet, watery watercolor, and hung it, so that it looks like a window in a storm. I fell in love with the effect it created and still wondering what I am doing with this background. I might hand-letter a spread for the Sketchbook project, because I wanted that effect and no idea how I was going to get it.

Some other things I have worked on lately. I have been using my own moleskin watercolor sketch book, which I have had for a while for thumbnail paintings. But recently, I discovered, or rediscovered, a little art store in the next town over. She was having a sale and I ended up buying our babysitter an off to university gift of a moleskin watercolor sketchbook and a highend watercolor travel pan. A few weeks later and bought a cheaper one for me, so I began painting some sketches to see how the quality matched up to tubes. These aren't great, but I loved playing with the pan, especially loved going to a cafe during naptime and painting.

Dragonflies Bookmark. 1.75"x 6". Watercolor.

Happy Trees. Watercolor Sketchbook.

Mama sketch. Watercolor.

8.27.10

I have been freaking out thinking about my Sketchbook Project sketchbook a lot the last few days. What to do? Where to go with it?

When in doubt, make a list. Or that is my motto at the very least. The sketchbook arrived and it was a great size, but the paper was like negative weight. I found this blog which actually tested different medium on the paper and photographed the back of the paper. It isn't pretty. (Maken Art: Sketchbook Project 2010.)I am so grateful to the blog author for testing this all out for us coming in late in the game.

So the paper is a problem, especially for someone like me who is a watercolor illustrator. can't watercolor on it. Shit. I also had the idea that some pages would be mixed media, some illustrations, others funkier. I just don't want to be limited to a medium by the paper. I began by doubling sheets and gluing them together. They bubbled and were not really attractive or usable. Double shit.

I read on Curls o Fred that Rachel rebound hers. She said she had experience doing this, but it really seemed like the only option save pasting 140lb watercolor paper to each page, which I imagine would have looked totally ghetto at the end of the day. Not that I'm not into the Ghet-to, but I just wanted the viewer to focus on my work, rather than the craptastic suck that is my journal. I emailed Rachel and found some stuff on line. In the end, I had to head into the city and check out Utrecht on my own. And what a sacrifice! To go to an incredible art store to shop for something.

I am being sarcastic. Of course. My husband had the day off yesterday, so he took the kids for a long hike/playground/running thing, and I headed off. I brought my current Sketchbook pieces. The sketchbook. The paper I have pre-folded for the inside (to check fatness). My poem and thumbnails to guesstimate the page count.

I got there at an ungodly hour for the art school art store (9a), which was great, because one of the girls asked if I needed help and she guided me on the process. She really really was trying her damnedest to talk me out of rebinding, one thing she said was, "Oh, oh, why not glue all the pages together and make on page that pops up?" Ever have your consciousness expanded suddenly? Yeah. I could suddenly imagine my book three-dimensionally.

I bought all the binding stuff anyway, and some YUPO paper. Anyone ever work with this paper? It is 74 lb. shiny watercolor paper. I thought I would try an illustration on it, and maybe bind my book with it, since it is much thinner than traditional watercolor paper. It is really cool paper. I have to play with it more, because the marketing campaign seems to be how YUPO paper creates effects unattainable in other watercolor paper and never ever warps, which seems to be true. I just made a typical Angie sketch of a jizo. The colors were much more muted than I was used to and keeping a color was difficult. I usually lay down a base wash on my paintings, then come in with other colors for the background. That was like trying to herd kittens, the colors I was so used to achieving drifted away and lay atop the paper. This morning though, the painting is a really cool consistency. I also think you can erase? this painting. I have to do more research and the sketchbook project is not the place to conduct it.

As originally intended, I decided just to bind it with the 140 lb. cold-pressed Arches paper I had sitting around. I have a few pads of 9" x12" paper from when the local art nook had a sale, so I used to the ones I pre-folded to check thickness. I unbound the old one, then laid everything out. I first glued some watercolor paper to the inside cover to reinforce it, and give me an extra spread. I then punched holes in the crease with an awl. I used the same holes that already existed in my cover. And I guess I didn't secure the paper well enough, because the line was off kilter with the crease I had created. *sigh* So, I pre-cut, but didn't pre-fold, new paper. I guess those 9"x 12" pages with holes in it will be cut down for 4" x 6" postcard sized paper. Though last night in bed, I thought maybe I should make a little thumbnail book of my sketchbook project for myself first, play with images and paintings then recreate it in the bigger Sketchbook piece. I guess I liked making the book, because right after finishing it, I was thinking of doing another one. Good sign.

Interestingly, I could not find a description of the stitch one used for binding with only one signature, so I just used a backstitch, but later remembered I should have used a blanket stitch. Whatever. It looks strong. And then I folded it and eh, voila!

It was both much easier and more of a pain in the ass than I imagined. I hope it stays.

Here is the completed book, complete with all the supplies and scraps and the bourbon on the rocks that it took to finish it.

And here are some of my thumbnails from my poem. Still contemplating whether or not the poem is what I want to use. I keep rewriting it. My theme is "I'm sorry I forgot you."

Last night in bed, I kept thinking of this line that I thought I wanted to incorporate into my sketchbook with the theme, "I'm sorry I lost you."

When she said 'I am sorry you lost your baby', it gave me hope that one afternoon I would lift the cushion and find you smiling and giggling. "Oh, there you are, you silly baby." And later, when I would be putting you to sleep in my arms, I would whisper, "I am sorry I lost you, my darling. How could I be so bloody foolish?"